You don’t have to know the perfect thing to say or the thing that makes their underwear melt off for your next hookup. But saying the wrong thing can turn the moment from hot AF to awwwwk-waaaard.
Cringe-worthy moments happen to everyone, but there’s nothing wrong with trying to prevent them, either. Honesty might (usually) be the best policy, but here are six things not to say during a hookup.
The Wrong Name
This should be obvious, but if you’ve done it once, you might do it again. If your hookup count is so high you can barely remember names, pick a nickname and stick with it. “Baby” is better than the wrong name. Or just stick with “Hell yes!” or “Oh God!” when it gets good. But if you can’t remember their name, why are you getting naked together in the first place?
Pop quiz? What’s their name? Don’t know? Keep your clothes on until you do.
“I was never here…”
Everyone deserves privacy, and you might not want your partner to talk about your sex life with others. That’s cool. But the “Don’t tell anyone I was here” line means you’re hiding something. At bare minimum, you’re hiding the person you’re fucking. You’ve just shown how little regard you have for them as a human being, and you’ve proven you’re liar. Maybe they don’t know who you’re lying to (yet) but you’re keeping secrets from someone.
Better: Before the hookup, admit you’re seeing someone or going through a break-up. Let them decide if they still want to have sex. They don’t? Look for another partner.
“Who’s your friend?”
Um, ew? You’re hooking up with one person, but you’re trying to get with their friend? We get it — hookups aren’t long-term relationships until you both decide they are. But setting up hookup number two with the friend of hookup number one is gross. And, believe it or not, friends talk. It’s not a good look, and you might go home with no one if you try this stunt.
Instead: Focus on the person in front of you. If it doesn’t work out, fine, but until then, don’t go peeking behind door number two looking for a better option.
We’re all for honesty around here, but there’s never a good reason to be cruel. If the sex wasn’t what you wanted it to be, don’t have sex with that person again. But to tell them you think it sucked shuts down communication and makes you look like an ass. There’s no telling how they may respond, including by listing all the ways you sucked, too. Are you prepared for that level of honesty?
Remember what you heard as a kid: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. It’s not just trite BS, this time it’s true.
“I’ve got to answer this…”
Other variations include, “Let me call them back” or “Was that my phone?” Doctors and parents of small children are given a pass on this one. But even so, once the clothes come off, put your damn phone down. No, right now, you don’t need to answer it, return that text, or check your phone. Nothing screams, “I don’t want to be here” like someone who has to check their phone while having their junk touched.
Not interested? Leave. Afraid of missing something important? Talk to your partner before you get busy so they know what’s going on.
“My ex was better.”
Who even says this?! Why would you compare this hookup to a previous partner? It might be true, and you might desperately want to tell someone. The person you just had sex with isn’t the one who needs to hear it. Tell your friend, a stranger on the bus, or your therapist. Do not say this to a sexual partner.
Are you still lusting after an ex? Maybe you’re not ready to date or hookup with anyone yet. Take some time and jump back in when you’re actually ready.
You don’t have to know the perfect thing to say in every situation, and maybe sex turns you into a bumbling, goofball who forgets how to word. But with even minimal effort, you can avoid these hookup errors, especially if you’d like there to be a second hookup.
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